Image #8
It seems so simple appreciating life for what it is- pleasure and pain, joy and sorrow. For today at least, I have learned to be content.”
–Gloria Gaither
I sat turning in the swivel chair while she played solitaire on the old box computer. I didn’t tell her. I wanted to scream at her “MOM!!! LOOK AT ME!” But I just sat there staring at my hands. My nails were bitten down to the quick. I chew when I’m stressed, or with any emotion really. We small talked for a bit, and then I left.
My mind was made up. Twenty minutes later I fumbled with the green hose as I stuck it in my tail pipe of my Jeep. It was cold, bitterly cold. Hopefully that wouldn’t prevent it from working. The phone rang once and went to voicemail. “I called to say goodbye.” my voice calm, cold and resolute.
That night was a blur of red sirens, blue lights and emergency personnel. This was not the plan.
“You seem angry,” he said, startling me from my thoughts. I looked up, hot tears flowing down my face. His glasses were too big for his face and his hair was messily parted to the side. The room was small and stuffy. I sat in a hard orange chair, assuming the knee-to-chest position. I was mad! My plan failed and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it. Hate and anger emanated from my being.
“I want to help.” He said.
I glared at him. No, I thought, no one can help.
“Spend a day in my head and I promise you, you’d be the one to hand me a gun. I can’t do this anymore” I replied bitterly.
Time dragged as he talked. Ever been to a psych ward before? It wasn’t exactly Girl Interrupted, but it was a close second. Lots of individual and group therapy, a slew of medications passed out in sacrament cups and just when you think you’re the real crazy one in the joint, you’re awakened at two in the morning by the silver haired schizophrenic staring down at you, wanting to talk about how the entire staff is undercover CIA and are there to insert microchips into us.
Art therapy was very calming yet it felt childish at times. Taking medications was a vicious cycle- you take them and begin to feel better. You think to yourself, "I'm feeling better, I don't need these!" Anyone who takes psych meds can attest to this repetitive battle.
Seven days came and went. It was a struggle to leave, knowing I still had to face my problems. Less than six months later, I attempted again.
I was recently asked how I cope with the stressors in my life.....here is what I said:
As I look back, I wish I had implemented these coping strategies much sooner in my life. I fought myself at every step, instead of fighting FOR myself.
I have always had the belief that schools need to implement stress management classes. THAT'S when it's most important to learn. It's such a vital skill for life!!! And whether we believe it or not, KIDS HAVE STRESS TOO.
Anyways, it took me many years to figure out the things that work best for me. It took me even longer to use them. (EYE ROLL) I don't know why, it's like you just don't have the energy to put forth that effort, even if it's to help yourself. For me depression was debilitating (it's been awhile since it's been that bad, thank heavens) but some days I couldn't even get out of bed. But these are the things that help me.
THERAPY. It sucks. Some days I absolutely DREADED it....but it's the most liberating thing. Once you talk about it (whatever your "it" is) you release yourself from its control. It may take a few sessions, but it happens without you realizing it. It's like clouds. One day you wake up and they're gone....THAT'S therapy.
MEDICATION. On my website I talk about the vicious cycle that happens when taking medications. Most people, as I did, don't want to have to take a pill to be happy. (THAT'S RIDICULOUS) I should just BE HAPPY. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work like that. So, you begin a new regimen and IT'S A MIRACLE, you start feeling a little better. This is where the vicious cycle starts.....you feel better, you think "I'm doing great- I don't need meds!" So, you stop taking them and TA-DA you hit bottom again. I can't tell you how many times I did this song and dance. I finally realized that in order for me to live a happy, fulfilling life this would just have to be part of my routine. And things are also different now a days. While we still have a way to go, there was such a negative stigma attached to names like “PROZAC” or “LITHIUM”. Oh my gosh, it was real. I didn’t dare tell ANYONE that I had to take a happy pill- otherwise it would be set in stone that I really was crazy!
The second part of "medications" is there is no such thing as one size fits all. That's the hard part. Psychiatric medications are not like ibuprofen, where it works for 99% of the population. They are unique to your symptoms. So often times you have to try it and readjust and that is just a pain in the ass. While all medications have side effects, psych drugs have some doozies. That’s another reason people won’t take them. A common complaint is feeling “numb” I often explain this very thing to the patients I’m taking care of or even friends.
“Your meds aren’t making you numb!” I’ll say and laugh (because it’s true) “You’ve been on a constant roller-coaster ride with high-highs and low-lows. All your meds have done is soften those highs, and lows.” Like this:
WITHOUT MEDS: /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
WITH MEDS: -------- -------- -------- --------
/ \ / \ / \ / \
“ You’re not off the roller coaster of life. And the medications don’t numb you. You’re just not used to being on a more even keel road. That’s why you think you’re numb. Give it a chance, and you’ll see.”
For me, medications have saved my life. I’ve gotten over the fact of having to take them, and I am soooooo grateful that I live in the day and age where they are available. Hell, in the 6
0’s I’d have been locked up in a state mental hospital, instead of being easily treated on an outpatient basis.
EXERCISE. I was a cutter for a long time. Learned it from a girl, my senior year of high school. It’s easily addicting for this reason. IT RELEASES ENDORPHINS. The same endorphins you get when you exercise. This took me some time to overcome, but I switched my cutting to running and weightlifting.This is a great way to cope with any kind of stressor in your life. This also goes hand in hand with eating healthy. Especially dealing with depression in your later years (not that 40’s is your later years) but you can definitely tell a difference with the things you put into your body in your 40’s than in your 20’s.
TALK-THERAPY. This is something I learned in therapy but has made the BIGGEST impact in my life. This is what can lead us to freedom and peace or take us down the road to suicide. We will never be able to escape our minds and thoughts. That was a big reason I decided I would NOT commit suicide (I often have to remind myself of this when I’m going through a rough bout). Because I believe our spirits pass on-I truly believe that we can never escape our thoughts-the very THING that is our enemy. I do NOT for one second believe those who commit suicide will never be free from this. But they miss out on the opportunities of learning IN THIS lifetime how to change these negative thoughts into positive ones. Let me explain. Up until I reached my 30’s (that was about the time I really took taking care of my mental health seriously and made some positive changes that have ultimately become habits) I lived in a negative thought world. I NEVER had positive thing to say to myself. I would often look in the mirror and say OUT LOUD all sorts of negative things. I couldn’t even tell you ONE positive attribute I had. I was consumed with my negative thoughts. That’s when my therapist told me about “Stop-Therapy”. “Megan” she said “Any time you have a negative thought…” (I remember rolling my eyes, DUH- every second of every day) “you need to say STOP! Say it out loud! Picture a stop sign! But just do it, and then think of something positive and say it out loud.” I remember thinking this was the dumbest thing I had ever heard. And I’m paying you good money for this kind of advice? Are you kidding me?!!!!
This is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Like anything, when you do something repetitively it becomes a habit. Just as I had trained myself to think negatively, I have trained myself to think POSITIVELY. Seriously, I never in my wildest dreams would have thought something so simple could make such an impact. I think if we, as a human race, realized the potential we have and what our brains are capable we would be frightened. Lol I really do. ALL OF US are capable of great things. But those things don’t always come without hard work.
WORK. No one can make me happy. No one can become my thoughts, and no one is going to advocate for me the way I must advocate for myself. It’s like the old saying goes, if you want it done right, you do it yourself. This was a hard lesson to learn. I HAD to put in the work. I had to make the effort if I wanted to live. NOT EXIST-I did that for too long, but really thrive in life. I believe in a loving Heavenly Father. He would NEVER want us to just exist. There is no learning in that and no progressing. So, I did it. This leads me to my last topic.
GOD. For a while I believed that once I “learned” this lesson I could move on lol yeah….nope! This is my cross to bear in life. In my patriarchal blessing it states “…there will come a time when Satan will strive to win your soul.” HE WILL NEVER WIN MY SOUL. I will continue to fight like hell, and I will always keep in my mind those whose burdens were too great to bear, and I will take them with me in my journey. I am ONLY here today because of God. I am only here after 3 serious suicide attempts because for some unknown reason He spared my life. In my darkest hours, it is ALWAYS Him who I reach out to. He is my biggest source of strength and comfort.
TODAY
I AM blessed. This was not my first, nor my last attempt. According to Jane Brody, with the New York Times, “Within the first three months to a year following a suicide attempt, people are at highest risk of a second attempt — and this time perhaps succeeding.” (New York Times) One phone call made saved my life that night. Countless hours of therapy have taught me coping skills and have provided me the tools to handle the bouts of depression I still fight today. Being on the right medication is imperative in my life. But most importantly my family and support system. I AM BLESSED to have my family. It is because of their love and continual support that I am here today. As I've gotten older, I see now that this will be a battle I will always fight. Luckily for me, my armor is stronger, my tools are better and I am one hell of a fighter.
As I look back, I wish I had implemented these coping strategies much sooner in my life. I fought myself at every step, instead of fighting FOR myself.
I have always had the belief that schools need to implement stress management classes. THAT'S when it's most important to learn. It's such a vital skill for life!!! And whether we believe it or not, KIDS HAVE STRESS TOO.
Anyways, it took me many years to figure out the things that work best for me. It took me even longer to use them. (EYE ROLL) I don't know why, it's like you just don't have the energy to put forth that effort, even if it's to help yourself. For me depression was debilitating (it's been awhile since it's been that bad, thank heavens) but some days I couldn't even get out of bed. But these are the things that help me.
THERAPY. It sucks. Some days I absolutely DREADED it....but it's the most liberating thing. Once you talk about it (whatever your "it" is) you release yourself from its control. It may take a few sessions, but it happens without you realizing it. It's like clouds. One day you wake up and they're gone....THAT'S therapy.
MEDICATION. On my website I talk about the vicious cycle that happens when taking medications. Most people, as I did, don't want to have to take a pill to be happy. (THAT'S RIDICULOUS) I should just BE HAPPY. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work like that. So, you begin a new regimen and IT'S A MIRACLE, you start feeling a little better. This is where the vicious cycle starts.....you feel better, you think "I'm doing great- I don't need meds!" So, you stop taking them and TA-DA you hit bottom again. I can't tell you how many times I did this song and dance. I finally realized that in order for me to live a happy, fulfilling life this would just have to be part of my routine. And things are also different now a days. While we still have a way to go, there was such a negative stigma attached to names like “PROZAC” or “LITHIUM”. Oh my gosh, it was real. I didn’t dare tell ANYONE that I had to take a happy pill- otherwise it would be set in stone that I really was crazy!
The second part of "medications" is there is no such thing as one size fits all. That's the hard part. Psychiatric medications are not like ibuprofen, where it works for 99% of the population. They are unique to your symptoms. So often times you have to try it and readjust and that is just a pain in the ass. While all medications have side effects, psych drugs have some doozies. That’s another reason people won’t take them. A common complaint is feeling “numb” I often explain this very thing to the patients I’m taking care of or even friends.
“Your meds aren’t making you numb!” I’ll say and laugh (because it’s true) “You’ve been on a constant roller-coaster ride with high-highs and low-lows. All your meds have done is soften those highs, and lows.” Like this:
WITHOUT MEDS: /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
WITH MEDS: -------- -------- -------- --------
/ \ / \ / \ / \
“ You’re not off the roller coaster of life. And the medications don’t numb you. You’re just not used to being on a more even keel road. That’s why you think you’re numb. Give it a chance, and you’ll see.”
For me, medications have saved my life. I’ve gotten over the fact of having to take them, and I am soooooo grateful that I live in the day and age where they are available. Hell, in the 6
0’s I’d have been locked up in a state mental hospital, instead of being easily treated on an outpatient basis.
EXERCISE. I was a cutter for a long time. Learned it from a girl, my senior year of high school. It’s easily addicting for this reason. IT RELEASES ENDORPHINS. The same endorphins you get when you exercise. This took me some time to overcome, but I switched my cutting to running and weightlifting.This is a great way to cope with any kind of stressor in your life. This also goes hand in hand with eating healthy. Especially dealing with depression in your later years (not that 40’s is your later years) but you can definitely tell a difference with the things you put into your body in your 40’s than in your 20’s.
TALK-THERAPY. This is something I learned in therapy but has made the BIGGEST impact in my life. This is what can lead us to freedom and peace or take us down the road to suicide. We will never be able to escape our minds and thoughts. That was a big reason I decided I would NOT commit suicide (I often have to remind myself of this when I’m going through a rough bout). Because I believe our spirits pass on-I truly believe that we can never escape our thoughts-the very THING that is our enemy. I do NOT for one second believe those who commit suicide will never be free from this. But they miss out on the opportunities of learning IN THIS lifetime how to change these negative thoughts into positive ones. Let me explain. Up until I reached my 30’s (that was about the time I really took taking care of my mental health seriously and made some positive changes that have ultimately become habits) I lived in a negative thought world. I NEVER had positive thing to say to myself. I would often look in the mirror and say OUT LOUD all sorts of negative things. I couldn’t even tell you ONE positive attribute I had. I was consumed with my negative thoughts. That’s when my therapist told me about “Stop-Therapy”. “Megan” she said “Any time you have a negative thought…” (I remember rolling my eyes, DUH- every second of every day) “you need to say STOP! Say it out loud! Picture a stop sign! But just do it, and then think of something positive and say it out loud.” I remember thinking this was the dumbest thing I had ever heard. And I’m paying you good money for this kind of advice? Are you kidding me?!!!!
This is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Like anything, when you do something repetitively it becomes a habit. Just as I had trained myself to think negatively, I have trained myself to think POSITIVELY. Seriously, I never in my wildest dreams would have thought something so simple could make such an impact. I think if we, as a human race, realized the potential we have and what our brains are capable we would be frightened. Lol I really do. ALL OF US are capable of great things. But those things don’t always come without hard work.
WORK. No one can make me happy. No one can become my thoughts, and no one is going to advocate for me the way I must advocate for myself. It’s like the old saying goes, if you want it done right, you do it yourself. This was a hard lesson to learn. I HAD to put in the work. I had to make the effort if I wanted to live. NOT EXIST-I did that for too long, but really thrive in life. I believe in a loving Heavenly Father. He would NEVER want us to just exist. There is no learning in that and no progressing. So, I did it. This leads me to my last topic.
GOD. For a while I believed that once I “learned” this lesson I could move on lol yeah….nope! This is my cross to bear in life. In my patriarchal blessing it states “…there will come a time when Satan will strive to win your soul.” HE WILL NEVER WIN MY SOUL. I will continue to fight like hell, and I will always keep in my mind those whose burdens were too great to bear, and I will take them with me in my journey. I am ONLY here today because of God. I am only here after 3 serious suicide attempts because for some unknown reason He spared my life. In my darkest hours, it is ALWAYS Him who I reach out to. He is my biggest source of strength and comfort.
TODAY
I AM blessed. This was not my first, nor my last attempt. According to Jane Brody, with the New York Times, “Within the first three months to a year following a suicide attempt, people are at highest risk of a second attempt — and this time perhaps succeeding.” (New York Times) One phone call made saved my life that night. Countless hours of therapy have taught me coping skills and have provided me the tools to handle the bouts of depression I still fight today. Being on the right medication is imperative in my life. But most importantly my family and support system. I AM BLESSED to have my family. It is because of their love and continual support that I am here today. As I've gotten older, I see now that this will be a battle I will always fight. Luckily for me, my armor is stronger, my tools are better and I am one hell of a fighter.
